I never thought much of music before. It was one bland sunday evening. We sat on the edge of what would be our final resting place, a small lake behind our neighborhood. We went back and forth between picking a bigger spot, but we agreed something like jumping out into a big lake or river might be a bit too cliche. Plus who would want to deal with a place where you know people would try to get in the way. We wanted to have a nice simple suicide to end our quiet lives. She wanted to take a nap before leaping into the abyss of nothingness we were to drown in, and I ended up passing out shortly after her.
I heard her snoring as part of the dream I was in the middle of. I woke up and peaked over to my phone which read 7:02. I sat up and turned it off while rubbing my eyes. I could still feel my girlfriend’s warm indents on my side. It’s pretty nice to have someone to cuddle up with during the winter, but I knew that her warmth from snoring on my chest is the only thing I still felt from her. Our souls had died long before this moment. She moaned slightly, and I calmed her.
"Shh, shh, shh, it'll all be over soon."
I sighed knowing that today had to be the day. I felt like staying here was lying to ourselves about that empty promise that we could still work it out. This was the end. We both knew it. I didn’t know what I was going to say that wouldn’t sound like I have issues with how we ended up here. There wasn’t much left to it, I just didn't love this life anymore. Everything has been beautiful. I've had plenty of times full of true ecstasy. I've had tumultuous experiences as well. It's been a long time here in this place. The only memories that I still have are my girlfriend's amazing smile that could melt the snow we were currently covered in. She would cook meals for me better than I ever grew up with while she sang some of the tunes the radio would play.
It really was picture perfect. Even Norman Rockwell would be sickened by how adorable we were together.
It wasn't long before that all ended. The bills kept coming in, debt was piling up, and I had worked myself to exhaustion. We had sold the little we did own trying to pay back everything we owed, and we're homeless for the past 3 years with not a shred of hope in sight.
I knew we still had each other. The only problem was any time I looked into her eyes, my heart felt numb. I could blame myself for just being selfish about how I thought the relationship should be going, but I knew I felt numb with her because I fell out of love with her. The passion was gone. The daily routine became a monotonous cycle of empty fast food containers, days off at the gym to wash ourselves, and silence as I would get home after work and pass out in an abandoned building she had found that day we could spend the night in.
I looked down on the edge of that pond at her hollow face, realizing the only glimmer of choice she and I had, was taken away from her. Police later would rule it as a case of pneumonia from being out in the cold too long. I knew it was from her finally giving up and letting herself die in her sleep.
I looked up at the sky. I wish I had tears left to cry as I held her body closer to mine. The dimming light hit her face, I looked down at my girlfriend, those songs she would sing while cooking lost all meaning to me. I never thought much of music before. But now that the feelings for her singing are gone from my soul, I’ve never missed that music as much as I do now.
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